Choices

Choices

This past week, I sat across from a dear friend of mine with a  thick wall of plexiglass separating the two of us. Two years ago, almost to the day, we both were both given a second chance at life. We both had found such deep and incredible levels of God's freedom in our lives. We both had been set free from eating disorders, drug addiction, cutting, etc.  The two of us had been given the same fresh start. Yet,  two years later, I found myself sitting across from her in jail. My mind has been boggled all week at how the two of us could have been given the same tools, the same treatment, met the same God, and yet one chose to go back to the way life had always been and the other chose to continue to heal. It baffles my mind. There is so much POWER in choices.

I feel like that word has summed up the entire journey I have been on the last five years with this whole trial. One person's choice so greatly altered my entire existence and changed my course in history. However, my own choices led me to the end of myself... to the end of my life, yet in the midst of nothingness,  Nancy Alcorn and Debbie Lindell's choice to  reach out and offer me a fresh start changed my very course and destiny yet again.  I was shown how to choose life for myself. From there, I had to make the daily choice to choose life for me. And thus, the last five years, I've been on a long journey learning how to choose life. Learning how to distinguish what is life and what is death and choose rightly. How often do we forget that our choices are life and death affairs? God makes it so clear in His word... there is only two choices - no grey... we either are choosing life or we are choosing death. Our words, our actions, our thoughts... they are all caring the power to build our future. So, I have to pause and ask myself... what am I building?

As I sit here reflecting on choices, I am amazed at how a single moment can so distinctly alter one's future. At the end of this week, I will be facing my " I've lost count because we have had WAY to many" pre-trial conference. Yet again, the lawyers are promising me this is the last pre-trial conference, depositions are court ordered to be done before November, and a Jury trial has been set for December 3rd... and for once on this journey of justice... everything seems to be in order. Yet, I have to pause, did I make the right choice five years ago to come forward? Did I make the right choice to stand up against injustice? I know "his" choices forever altered my world, but did not my reaction to those choices forever alter "his"? I know in my heart of hearts I've done the right thing,but sometimes, I question my choices. It was my choices that put me in the situation to begin with. Granted, it was his choices to violate my boundaries. I know it has been five years, and I've experienced such life altering encounters with God and deep levels of healing... but reality is the choices still sting. Honestly, the nightmares, though not as frequent still haunt me. The flashbacks, they still sneak up on my days at times. The scars are still there and remind me of what has been done to me and I have done to myself. However, I know the last few years have changed me for the better... where once those things dictated my day, they now merely are acknowledged then fade into the backdrop of the day. My choice now is to heal...

I plan on blogging about the trial and such as things begin to get closer. I feel like God has given me an open venue to bring things to light that most of us want to keep hidden. Plus, the more I speak and share my testimony around the United States, I find that more and more girls have been through what I have been through, yet have never chosen to peruse justice or healing, because they don't know how. SO, my thoughts in blogging all of this is to have a record of the good, the bad and the ugly of going through court trials and such, so I don't forget what it felt like in each stage. Some blogs might be encouraging, and others might be a bit raw. In the end, my prayer is that God is in the center of it all as I begin to walk into all the scary unknown's of this trial with Him. I am not claiming to have all the healing over this stuff... I'm still a work in progress. My goal is just to remain transparent and humble, so God can move in me, heal me, and use me.

With that, my challenge to everyone that reads this, is to really think about the power of your choices. We make them all day long... choice to get up, eat breakfast or not, go to work or not, etc. Every moment is filled with choices, how are your choices effecting the course of history? Have you made a choice that has sent ripples into eternity? My prayer is that this week, you will begin to make some LIFE giving/breathing choices.

Keep it real-
Bethie