Becoming a Peaceful Warrior

So, its been a few months since I last wrote on here. I had much more intentions to write, but life kind of got in the way. I've made a new resolution this year, to not only become a full fledged vegan, but also to write. There is a therapeutic property to remaining in the here and now - writing can helps facilitate such a thing. I'm tired of fighting with the past, and warring with the future. I am embracing the practice of being at peace with the now.

An example of what I'm talking about actually occurred today. We had ANOTHER pre-trial conference occur today. I was under the impression it was going to benefit me a great deal, however, the results crushed me as I was informed that the trial was postponed yet again.

In that moment, I had several choices :

1. Let the past consume me and take over my day with unpleasant flashbacks and waves of tears.
2. Let the pain of the future being prolonged consume me and have anxiety attacks all day.
3. Let the pain of grief from the moment exist, yet embrace the fullness of the here and now. Yet also look at the flip side and look also for the pleasure of the day.

I chose option three. It was incredibly difficult to remain mindful. I found my thoughts wanting to wander into the past or future. I found it difficult to not cast judgements on my thoughts. I was so enraged at myself for not being able to stay in the here and now, that I had to simply laugh. One of the key elements to being mindful and embracing both sides of emotions is learning to be gentle with oneself.

Since I was two years old, I'm pretty sure my mom has been on me to be gentle. Frankly, there is not a lot of gentleness in my body. I was always rough in my play as a kid, and kind of just hurled myself at life. Femininity has not always been my strong suite either. Always felt like I had to prove I could hang with the guys. Someday's, I've felt like I'm just a GIANT BULL in a china store. Nevertheless, in this journey of healing, through all the brokenness, a gentle spirit has emerged. There's a new found vulnerability that has been birthed. SO, in the midst of today, I stepped out into new territory and allowed myself to be gentle with myself. It changed everything. I never thought being kind to myself could hold such power. Yet, as I let myself gently feel the tough emotions of the day, the pleasant emotions also emerged. The day turned into something quite beautiful.

The change shifted the struggle of the past and the present, to the here and now. I sat with my grief. anger, loneliness, and pain. But, as I embraced those emotions, I had to flip the other side of the coin and embrace pleasure, joy, and happiness. I saw the beauty in the day. Through the rain and freezing temperatures outside, I found the beauty in the ability to hear the music of the rain. I found joy when I went grocery shopping with my head phones on and some of my favorite tunes...I was bopping my way down the isles of Trader Joe's with such inner joy. I found happiness when I arrived home from running errands all day and was greeted by Journey's sweet kisses and cuddles. I stopped in that moment and let myself be all there with her, instead of running around doing a thousand things before I sat down to enjoy her. I simply walked in the doors and made myself stay fully in the now as she greeted me. It was wonderful. Rape sucks, trials and judicial systems are not fair, and yet I'm learning they don't have to emotionally dis-regulate me. I can find a balance in the midst of it all. I am now beginning to see the glass half full instead of so empty and gloomy.

I'm still on a fight for justice, but I'm embracing the art of mindfulness and becoming a peaceful warrior in my pursuit. I started in to  Dialectical Behavior Therapy otherwise known as DBT, and it's main premise is teaching the client to become mindful. There is so much healing and truth when we learn to meditate and be mindful. Clearing ones brain from judgements, thoughts, observations, etc. -- it is a difficult task, yet doesn't God tell us to meditate on His Word day and night? I feel like as a church, we are lacking a great deal in learning to meditate and teaching the generations to follow how to clear one's mind and remain fully present on meditating on the word's of God in the here and now. The Bible is a LIVING word. Thus, it is viable for the now... what in the now is it saying? What are you allowing yourself to think upon and remain mindful about as you go through your day? Mindfulness changes everything...

My wish for all of you reading this, is that you will find peace and balance in all of your days. Embrace the beauty of the now and challenge yourself with the art of meditation. It is unbelievable how freeing it can be to unlock one's brain from all the information, judgements, and observations that distract our minds all day long. Take a moment to just be...

Keep it Real-

Bethie

Thankful for the Flea's...

As I sit here reading and studying all weekend, a story that my youth leader told me in Jr. High keeps playing over in my head. It is a favorite story of mine from Corrie Ten Boon.


Corrie writes:
“Barracks 8 was in the quarantine compound. Next to us–perhaps as a deliberate warning to newcomers–were located the punishment barracks. From there, all day long and often into the night, came the sounds of hell itself. They were not the sounds of anger, or of any human emotion, but of a cruelty altogether detached: blows landing in regular rhythm, screams keeping pace. We would stand in our ten-deep ranks with our hands trembling at our sides, longing to jam them against our ears, to make the sounds stop.”
“It grew harder and harder. Even within these four walls there was too much misery, too much seemingly pointless suffering. Every day something else failed to make sense, something else grew too heavy.”
Yet, in the midst of the suffering, the women prisoners around Corrie and Betsie found comfort in the little Bible studies they held in the barracks. Corrie writes they gathered around the Bible “like waifs clustered around a blazing fire…The blacker the night around us grew, the brighter and truer and more beautiful burned the Word of God.”
When they were moved to Barracks 28, Corrie was horrified by the fact that their reeking, straw-bed platforms swarmed with fleas. How could they live in such a place?
It was Betsie who discovered God’s answer:
“’Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus.” That’s it, Corrie! That’s His answer. “Give thanks in all circumstances!” That’s what we can do. We can start right now to thank God for every single thing about this new barracks!’
“I stared at her; then around me at the dark, foul-aired room…”
They thanked God for the fact they were together. They thanked God they had a Bible. They even thanked God for the horrible crowds of prisoners, that more people would be able to hear God’s Word. And then, Betsie thanked God for the fleas.“The fleas! This was too much. ‘Betsie, there’s no way even God can make me grateful for a flea.’
“‘”Give thanks in all circumstances,”‘ she quoted. ‘It doesn’t say, “in pleasant circumstances.“ Fleas are part of this place where God has put us.’
“And so we stood between tiers of bunks and gave thanks for fleas. But this time I was sure Betsie was wrong.”
It turned out that Betsie was not wrong; the fleas were a nuisance, but a blessing after all. The women were able to have Bible studies in the barracks with a great deal of freedom, never bothered by supervisors coming in and harassing them. They finally discovered that it was the fleas that kept those supervisors out.
Through those fleas, God protected the women from abuse and harassment. Dozens of desperate women were free to hear the comforting, hope-giving Word of God. Through those fleas, God protected the women from much worse things and made sure they had their deepest, truest needs met.

So, I sit here in the midst of circumstances that I wish were far different, none the less, over the last five years… God has taught me to be thankful, because even in “this”, He is working. I would not have personally chosen to go through the physical trauma of rape and sodomy. I would not have chosen to go through public humiliation. I would not have chosen to go through a season of negative coping and self-destruction. However, looking back, I can honestly say… I would NEVER change the last five years… as hard as they have been. If I wouldn’t have gone through everything that I have, I would not have gone to Mercy and taken the time out from life that I needed to heal (not only those wounds, but wounds from the past that I had put a band aid on). If I hadn’t gone through the last five years, I would not have learned the level of surrender and humility that I’ve experienced. Lastly, if all hadn’t taken place, I would not be living in Tennessee, which has proven to be a constant miracle.
Anyway, today, I challenge you to look at your life and be “Thankful for the fleas”.

Choices

Choices

This past week, I sat across from a dear friend of mine with a  thick wall of plexiglass separating the two of us. Two years ago, almost to the day, we both were both given a second chance at life. We both had found such deep and incredible levels of God's freedom in our lives. We both had been set free from eating disorders, drug addiction, cutting, etc.  The two of us had been given the same fresh start. Yet,  two years later, I found myself sitting across from her in jail. My mind has been boggled all week at how the two of us could have been given the same tools, the same treatment, met the same God, and yet one chose to go back to the way life had always been and the other chose to continue to heal. It baffles my mind. There is so much POWER in choices.

I feel like that word has summed up the entire journey I have been on the last five years with this whole trial. One person's choice so greatly altered my entire existence and changed my course in history. However, my own choices led me to the end of myself... to the end of my life, yet in the midst of nothingness,  Nancy Alcorn and Debbie Lindell's choice to  reach out and offer me a fresh start changed my very course and destiny yet again.  I was shown how to choose life for myself. From there, I had to make the daily choice to choose life for me. And thus, the last five years, I've been on a long journey learning how to choose life. Learning how to distinguish what is life and what is death and choose rightly. How often do we forget that our choices are life and death affairs? God makes it so clear in His word... there is only two choices - no grey... we either are choosing life or we are choosing death. Our words, our actions, our thoughts... they are all caring the power to build our future. So, I have to pause and ask myself... what am I building?

As I sit here reflecting on choices, I am amazed at how a single moment can so distinctly alter one's future. At the end of this week, I will be facing my " I've lost count because we have had WAY to many" pre-trial conference. Yet again, the lawyers are promising me this is the last pre-trial conference, depositions are court ordered to be done before November, and a Jury trial has been set for December 3rd... and for once on this journey of justice... everything seems to be in order. Yet, I have to pause, did I make the right choice five years ago to come forward? Did I make the right choice to stand up against injustice? I know "his" choices forever altered my world, but did not my reaction to those choices forever alter "his"? I know in my heart of hearts I've done the right thing,but sometimes, I question my choices. It was my choices that put me in the situation to begin with. Granted, it was his choices to violate my boundaries. I know it has been five years, and I've experienced such life altering encounters with God and deep levels of healing... but reality is the choices still sting. Honestly, the nightmares, though not as frequent still haunt me. The flashbacks, they still sneak up on my days at times. The scars are still there and remind me of what has been done to me and I have done to myself. However, I know the last few years have changed me for the better... where once those things dictated my day, they now merely are acknowledged then fade into the backdrop of the day. My choice now is to heal...

I plan on blogging about the trial and such as things begin to get closer. I feel like God has given me an open venue to bring things to light that most of us want to keep hidden. Plus, the more I speak and share my testimony around the United States, I find that more and more girls have been through what I have been through, yet have never chosen to peruse justice or healing, because they don't know how. SO, my thoughts in blogging all of this is to have a record of the good, the bad and the ugly of going through court trials and such, so I don't forget what it felt like in each stage. Some blogs might be encouraging, and others might be a bit raw. In the end, my prayer is that God is in the center of it all as I begin to walk into all the scary unknown's of this trial with Him. I am not claiming to have all the healing over this stuff... I'm still a work in progress. My goal is just to remain transparent and humble, so God can move in me, heal me, and use me.

With that, my challenge to everyone that reads this, is to really think about the power of your choices. We make them all day long... choice to get up, eat breakfast or not, go to work or not, etc. Every moment is filled with choices, how are your choices effecting the course of history? Have you made a choice that has sent ripples into eternity? My prayer is that this week, you will begin to make some LIFE giving/breathing choices.

Keep it real-
Bethie