Thankful for the Flea's...

As I sit here reading and studying all weekend, a story that my youth leader told me in Jr. High keeps playing over in my head. It is a favorite story of mine from Corrie Ten Boon.


Corrie writes:
“Barracks 8 was in the quarantine compound. Next to us–perhaps as a deliberate warning to newcomers–were located the punishment barracks. From there, all day long and often into the night, came the sounds of hell itself. They were not the sounds of anger, or of any human emotion, but of a cruelty altogether detached: blows landing in regular rhythm, screams keeping pace. We would stand in our ten-deep ranks with our hands trembling at our sides, longing to jam them against our ears, to make the sounds stop.”
“It grew harder and harder. Even within these four walls there was too much misery, too much seemingly pointless suffering. Every day something else failed to make sense, something else grew too heavy.”
Yet, in the midst of the suffering, the women prisoners around Corrie and Betsie found comfort in the little Bible studies they held in the barracks. Corrie writes they gathered around the Bible “like waifs clustered around a blazing fire…The blacker the night around us grew, the brighter and truer and more beautiful burned the Word of God.”
When they were moved to Barracks 28, Corrie was horrified by the fact that their reeking, straw-bed platforms swarmed with fleas. How could they live in such a place?
It was Betsie who discovered God’s answer:
“’Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus.” That’s it, Corrie! That’s His answer. “Give thanks in all circumstances!” That’s what we can do. We can start right now to thank God for every single thing about this new barracks!’
“I stared at her; then around me at the dark, foul-aired room…”
They thanked God for the fact they were together. They thanked God they had a Bible. They even thanked God for the horrible crowds of prisoners, that more people would be able to hear God’s Word. And then, Betsie thanked God for the fleas.“The fleas! This was too much. ‘Betsie, there’s no way even God can make me grateful for a flea.’
“‘”Give thanks in all circumstances,”‘ she quoted. ‘It doesn’t say, “in pleasant circumstances.“ Fleas are part of this place where God has put us.’
“And so we stood between tiers of bunks and gave thanks for fleas. But this time I was sure Betsie was wrong.”
It turned out that Betsie was not wrong; the fleas were a nuisance, but a blessing after all. The women were able to have Bible studies in the barracks with a great deal of freedom, never bothered by supervisors coming in and harassing them. They finally discovered that it was the fleas that kept those supervisors out.
Through those fleas, God protected the women from abuse and harassment. Dozens of desperate women were free to hear the comforting, hope-giving Word of God. Through those fleas, God protected the women from much worse things and made sure they had their deepest, truest needs met.

So, I sit here in the midst of circumstances that I wish were far different, none the less, over the last five years… God has taught me to be thankful, because even in “this”, He is working. I would not have personally chosen to go through the physical trauma of rape and sodomy. I would not have chosen to go through public humiliation. I would not have chosen to go through a season of negative coping and self-destruction. However, looking back, I can honestly say… I would NEVER change the last five years… as hard as they have been. If I wouldn’t have gone through everything that I have, I would not have gone to Mercy and taken the time out from life that I needed to heal (not only those wounds, but wounds from the past that I had put a band aid on). If I hadn’t gone through the last five years, I would not have learned the level of surrender and humility that I’ve experienced. Lastly, if all hadn’t taken place, I would not be living in Tennessee, which has proven to be a constant miracle.
Anyway, today, I challenge you to look at your life and be “Thankful for the fleas”.

Choices

Choices

This past week, I sat across from a dear friend of mine with a  thick wall of plexiglass separating the two of us. Two years ago, almost to the day, we both were both given a second chance at life. We both had found such deep and incredible levels of God's freedom in our lives. We both had been set free from eating disorders, drug addiction, cutting, etc.  The two of us had been given the same fresh start. Yet,  two years later, I found myself sitting across from her in jail. My mind has been boggled all week at how the two of us could have been given the same tools, the same treatment, met the same God, and yet one chose to go back to the way life had always been and the other chose to continue to heal. It baffles my mind. There is so much POWER in choices.

I feel like that word has summed up the entire journey I have been on the last five years with this whole trial. One person's choice so greatly altered my entire existence and changed my course in history. However, my own choices led me to the end of myself... to the end of my life, yet in the midst of nothingness,  Nancy Alcorn and Debbie Lindell's choice to  reach out and offer me a fresh start changed my very course and destiny yet again.  I was shown how to choose life for myself. From there, I had to make the daily choice to choose life for me. And thus, the last five years, I've been on a long journey learning how to choose life. Learning how to distinguish what is life and what is death and choose rightly. How often do we forget that our choices are life and death affairs? God makes it so clear in His word... there is only two choices - no grey... we either are choosing life or we are choosing death. Our words, our actions, our thoughts... they are all caring the power to build our future. So, I have to pause and ask myself... what am I building?

As I sit here reflecting on choices, I am amazed at how a single moment can so distinctly alter one's future. At the end of this week, I will be facing my " I've lost count because we have had WAY to many" pre-trial conference. Yet again, the lawyers are promising me this is the last pre-trial conference, depositions are court ordered to be done before November, and a Jury trial has been set for December 3rd... and for once on this journey of justice... everything seems to be in order. Yet, I have to pause, did I make the right choice five years ago to come forward? Did I make the right choice to stand up against injustice? I know "his" choices forever altered my world, but did not my reaction to those choices forever alter "his"? I know in my heart of hearts I've done the right thing,but sometimes, I question my choices. It was my choices that put me in the situation to begin with. Granted, it was his choices to violate my boundaries. I know it has been five years, and I've experienced such life altering encounters with God and deep levels of healing... but reality is the choices still sting. Honestly, the nightmares, though not as frequent still haunt me. The flashbacks, they still sneak up on my days at times. The scars are still there and remind me of what has been done to me and I have done to myself. However, I know the last few years have changed me for the better... where once those things dictated my day, they now merely are acknowledged then fade into the backdrop of the day. My choice now is to heal...

I plan on blogging about the trial and such as things begin to get closer. I feel like God has given me an open venue to bring things to light that most of us want to keep hidden. Plus, the more I speak and share my testimony around the United States, I find that more and more girls have been through what I have been through, yet have never chosen to peruse justice or healing, because they don't know how. SO, my thoughts in blogging all of this is to have a record of the good, the bad and the ugly of going through court trials and such, so I don't forget what it felt like in each stage. Some blogs might be encouraging, and others might be a bit raw. In the end, my prayer is that God is in the center of it all as I begin to walk into all the scary unknown's of this trial with Him. I am not claiming to have all the healing over this stuff... I'm still a work in progress. My goal is just to remain transparent and humble, so God can move in me, heal me, and use me.

With that, my challenge to everyone that reads this, is to really think about the power of your choices. We make them all day long... choice to get up, eat breakfast or not, go to work or not, etc. Every moment is filled with choices, how are your choices effecting the course of history? Have you made a choice that has sent ripples into eternity? My prayer is that this week, you will begin to make some LIFE giving/breathing choices.

Keep it real-
Bethie